Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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