Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
