so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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