Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
