dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
