the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
