I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I am one with the molecules
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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