So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
