lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
