How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize