Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
