I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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