Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
