The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
