We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
she told me i tasted like america
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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