we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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