If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
