tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
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