I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
