I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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