My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Randomize
