My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
