Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
