Your face is a jimmy john
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
