I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
