I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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