Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
