what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
