could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
