No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Randomize
