I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
