I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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