Swine flu. Run for my life!
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
