If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Sorry about my life...
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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