I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
