My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
