i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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