life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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