Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
