she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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