She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
