it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
