1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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