Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
