Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
