Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
