you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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