I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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