Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm just crazy horny about you
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
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