He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
