i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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