one might say we're banned from that church
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
