i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
