i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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