i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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