My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
