Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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