Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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