I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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