The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
