My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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