this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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