im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
