Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
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